You’re welcome, Dan Fans! As every true Brown Hound already knows, the film adaptation of Dan Brown’s classic literary masterpiece Inferno comes out this October. So, to help count down the seconds, here are some of everyone’s favorite Inferno quotations (and what your fave DB quote reveals about your personality!)

FACT: All Dan Brown literature and historical references in this personality quiz are real.

 

“I believe that thinking about the problem … is your problem.”

Man oh man, is there a Dan Fan out there who doesn’t know and love this classic Inferno quip?! As one of Inferno’s (many) quintessentially quotable  Dan Brown crown jewels, this line brought Inferno’s fiery 79th chapter towards a “Dan”-gerously explosive finale! But let me tell you right now, fellow Brown-Hounds, if this is your fave Inferno excerpt, only one thing’s for certain… You’re the brainy type! Not only do you love solving Dan “Brilliant” Brown’s devilishly complex riddles, but when you saw the anagram “CATROVACER” in chapter 15 of Inferno, your “Dan”-alytical mind deciphered it a full two hundred pages before the rest of your fellow Brownians! And sure, maybe you’re not as insanely brilliant as Inferno’s fictional protagonist Robert Langdon – the world-famous Professor of Religious Iconology and Symbology at Harvard University (a department which I guess is too awesome for the real “Harvard” to teach), but you’ve still got one heckuva DanBrown-sized brain up in your braincase. So congrats Encyclopedia Brown… your IQ puts DB to task!

 

“Just because the human mind can’t imagine something happening … doesn’t mean it won’t.”

Uh-oh! Look out fellow Brown-Hounds, because we’ve got a trickster on our hands! That’s right, if you’re “a draconian oaf magi” (which is an “anagram aficionado” anagram!!) or if you’re constantly hiding your spouse’s car keys within an impenetrable cryptix device of your own design… choosing this quote means that you’re a sneaky, cunning and deceptive breed of Dan Fan. I bet you love pulling impractical pranks and “Dan”-boozling all your besties with your many hilarious (but highly historically-accurate) hijinks. And, just like the tragically murdered Louvre curator Jacques Saunière in Brown’s masterful The Da Vinci Code, all you want to do is spend every single waking hour crafting complex and needlessly elaborate puzzles. You’re as slippery as an eel! Fun fact: did you know that when Dan Brown was younger, his father designed elaborate treasure hunts for him, which ultimately inspired DB’s lifelong love affair with the art of deception? What am I saying – of course you did! If this is your fave Inferno quote, the only thing larger than your monthly invisible ink budget is your love for the original trickster king: “Mr. Brown comma Danthe Confidence Man.”

 

“I’ve got to stop being such a snob about leather-bound books, he reminded himself. E-books do have their moments.”

Wow! You’re an old-fashioned Dan Brown enthusiast! If this Infer-notable quip really gets you going on a one-way train trip down to Brown-Town, you’ve definitely got an old heart that yearns for a simpler time. But, just because you were a diehard Dan Fan before Dan Brown even got his big break, that doesn’t make you a relic of the past… you just appreciate the finer things in life! I bet you’ve still got a copy of the notorious DB’s self-produced 1989 children’s-music album SynthAnimals on original cassette (and a real hard-on for his other early, unappreciated masterpieces). So hats off to you, old timer! You’re the original Brown-Hound! And sure, you could talk for days about DB’s tenure in the Amherst Glee Club but, just like Robert Langdon in the epilogue of Inferno, all you want to do is just curl up with a good book and watch as the night sky is transformed into “a glistening tapestry of stars.” May I recommend a good Chablis for you to sip while you reread Dan Brown’s 1995 classic debut novel 187 Men to Avoid: A Survival Guide for the Romantically Frustrated Woman?

 

“She found herself strangely attracted to the American professor… He would never want me, she thought. I’m damaged.”

Infern-oh no you didn’t!!! If this is your fave Inferno quote, you’re not just a flirt… You’re a heartbreaker. Whenever you’re not busy reading Dan Brown’s masterstroke Inferno, you’re out at the club, dropping classic DB pickup lines harder than Robert Langdon dropped his flashlight in chapter 46 of Inferno. Hell, you’re almost as much of a ro-“Dan”-tic lady-killer as DB himself  (the real-life Lothario of literary lasciviousness). Fun fact: did you know that “Dan” Juan seduced and subsequently married his boss, Blythe Newlon, even though she was 12 years his elder! Who else besides New Hampshire’s own Hugh Hefner – the notorious DB – could nab such a MILDB (Mother I’d Love to Dan Brown)! But even though, romance-wise, you’ll never be able to surpass Dan “Boy Toy” Brown (The New York Times’ best-selling crown prince of courtship) you’re still one heckuva lover! So put down your heavily dog-eared edition of Inferno and kiss away, you crazy Casanova… your lips aren’t gonna wet themselves!

 

“Telling someone about what a symbol means is like telling someone how music should make them feel.”

Wow! This is your favorite DB quote? Interesting! Just like Rachel Sexton in chapter 92 of Inferno, I’d love to say that you’ve got a real creative streak, that the only thing that matches your inventiveness is your passion for artistry. I’d love to say something like that, but I cannot. Because you are a liar. No. You are a Dan Brown fraud! This quote is from The Da Vinci Code, not from DB’s far superior literary sequel Inferno! But you didn’t know that, did you? DID YOU??? Just like the vector virus released by the tragically brilliant transhumanist scientist Bertrand Zobrist at the end of Dan Brown’s mind-blowing manuscript, Inferno… you make me sick! I bet you didn’t even realize that Rachel Sexton isn’t a character from Inferno at all! She’s the data analyst with a heart of gold from Dan Brown’s classic 2001 novel Deception Point! Charlatan! You do not deserve to know what these quotes from Inferno say about your personality. Reading this article makes you a liar and a thief, and a piss poor one at that. Please, for the sake of every true Brown-Hound across the nation, stop reading this quiz immediately and go back to whatever filth James Patterson is currently peddling at the nearest airport bookstore.

Dan Brown has no use for the likes of you.

 

“Madness is an ostrich who sticks her head in the sand while a pack of hyenas closes around her.”

Silas the Albino. Hassassin the assassin. The tragically brilliant transhumanist scientist Bertrand Zobrist from Dan Brown’s literary masterpiece, Inferno. Let’s say it together fellow Brown-Hounds – what do these Dan-tagonists have in common? They’re all bad boys! That’s right, if you love this classic Inferno quote (and if you have a larger-than-life tattoo of DB’s world-famous petulant grin emblazoned on your bicep), then you’re definitely the kind of burly baddie who puts the “Dan” in “what could be more “Dan”-gerous than a plague?” (from chapter 99 of Dan “James Joyce” Brown’s Inferno). In short, you’re a bit of a bully: a meanie pants with a real dark side! But even though, just like Inferno’s untrustworthy (and super sexy) female protagonist, Dr. Sienna Brooks, you’re a little rough around the edges… Does that mean that you don’t have a heart of gold? Survey says: Infer-no way, Jose! Even our boy DB (the original O.G.) was accused multiple times of committing flagrant copyright infringement! But that doesn’t mean we love him any less! Ultimately, it really doesn’t matter what our personality-types are. Who cares if you’re a trickster? Or a flirt? Or even an old-timer? We are all Dan Fans, through and through. And, at the end of the day, that’s a pretty awesome world to be a part of!

See y’all at Inferno‘s midnight movie premier, Brown-Hounds!!

 

-Dan Caprera