Step 1: Start with a clean face. Before you begin, have a look at yourself. Note your skin: white and taught, with the cold sexless nudity of a cocktail shrimp. Take a deep breath and acknowledge that you’re making a change. Smile. You won’t look this distressing for long.

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Step 2: Use a sharpie to sketch out the area where you want your new moustache to grow. This works as a positive visualization exercise and an important placeholder for the next step.

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Step 3: Wrap any area that isn’t part of your future moustache with thick painter’s tape. This will prevent any extraneous moustaches from growing there, while the temporary blindness will make your final transformation all the more staggering.

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Step 4: Apply nutrient paste to the area you taped off in the previous step. This paste, a honey and peanut butter emulsion, will provide the optimal nutritive foundation for the construction of your new moustache.

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Step 5: Hooray! The moustache builders are arriving. Don’t move a muscle.

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Step 6: Stay perfectly still. Do not cry out.

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Step 7: Remain calm. Resist your urges to disturb the process.

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Step 8: Stay. Perfectly. Still.

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Step 9: Enjoy your new moustache, sexy.  

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