“To have any kind of focus on the cause and effect of the storm versus helping people, or actually facing the effect of the storm, is misplaced… To use time and effort to address it at this point is very, very insensitive to this people in Florida.”  

Scott Pruitt, Current Administrator Of The EPA


Ladies and gentlemen, it is with a heavy heart that I now address the good, hardworking citizens of Japan. As the current administrator of Japan’s top-secret nuclear testing facility, I love this country. It’s the greatest country on Earth. So when I heard that, two hours ago, a giant Godzilla had exited Tokyo Bay and was currently attacking the city, I was as shocked as you were.

But folks, while it may seem like one the most prudent (and obvious) thing to do in a situation like this, we must remember: now is NOT the time to discuss the causes and preventative measures that would mitigate the overall damage of current and future Godzillas.

Now is the time to heal and forget.

Folks, we are in a crisis right now. The people of the Shinagawa municipality are braving one of the largest Godzilla attacks in known history. So now is definitely not the time to expend even 1/1,000,000,000th of our intellectual energies towards figuring out what caused this Godzilla in the first place. Any kind of focus on these causes and effects would be monstrous.

Sorry, bad word choice.

But the point still stands… Right now, does it really matter whether or not all of our so-called “scientists” have reached a consensus that Godzillas are a man-made phenomenon? Or that increased, unregulated emissions of manmade toxins into the environment undeniably contributed to the growth of this 160-foot-tall “Godzilla” in the first place? Hell no.

And even though I’m the current administrator of Japan’s top-secret nuclear testing facility, I do not make these statements in the interest of self-preservation.

No. This is the right thing to do.

Because, I mean, what good would it do to examine the causes of Godzillas at this juncture? I mean, hypothetically-speaking, I guess we could use the immediacy of the crisis to prompt greater public support, while using our findings to reduce the incidence of future giant monster attacks–monsters like, off the top of my head, Mothra, Rodan, Anguirus, Biollante, King Ghidorah, Gorosaurus, Gigan, Kamacuras, Gamera, Kumonga, Varan, Hedorah, Titanosaurus, Zilla, Manda, King Caesar, Baragon, Destoroyah, Minilla, and even Godzilla Junior.

But, come on! What are the chances that all of those increasingly-massive kaijus would appear within the next few decades? That would be insane, right!

And sure, we could maaaaayyybe use this opportunity as an impetus to reduce harmful nuclear sludge emissions, or even merely as a means to refudiate the increasingly-prevalent claims of “toxic-sludge-causes-big-monsters” deniers. But right now is not the time to overly-politicize this whole “the folly of man has doomed us all” issue.

No. That would be suuuuper rude.

Simply put folks, Godzillas are a part of life. And yes, looking over the so-called “historic” data, we’ve never seen a Godzilla this large before. Hell, we’ve never ever seen a Godzilla before. But that doesn’t mean that we should change our entire way of life to accommodate a few snowflake rabble rousers who have the audacity to ask for a little more information. That’s not the country I grew up in. That’s not the country that I love so much that I would rather let it get destroyed in the future than face some minor, exceedingly-beneficial unpleasantness.

Besides, if we get rid of all these Godzillas, then we’d never get to see a film like Pacific Rim.

And that movie was freakin’ incredible.